Your House: Boundaries, Safety, & Authenticity

Boundaries are meant to protect and preserve your safety, relationships, and provide clarity of what is mine and not mine. Often times, people feel that people close to them should have access to all/most parts of them. If not, then they are being inauthentic or dishonest. This lacks a nuanced understanding of safety and trust, and leans on all or nothing thinking to decide access to sacred parts of you. Brene Brown defines authenticity as “a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It's about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” It sounds like Brene Brown is saying the same things I hear my clients say over and over. Yet, I wonder if perhaps she is saying something radically different. Is it possible to be authentic and honest without giving someone access to all/most parts of you? I think so.

If you were walking on the street and a stranger asked for the keys to your house, would you give it to them? I truly hope not. Your house is something to protect and is sacred, maybe because of the items within the house but also because it is a space where you live life with the people closest to you, and where you lie down and sleep at night. Not anyone can have access to your house, only safe enough people that you trust. You don’t know how this stranger might treat your house and whatever is inside. It’s safe to say that most people would agree, that the people with keys to your house are the ones that you trust most dearly. Even some close friends do not have a key to your house.

Now, imagine for one moment that you are the house. Your house has many rooms and each is special part of who you are. One room for your spiritual beliefs, sexuality, gender identity, one for your past hurt or trauma, family history, your relationship, your kids, what you find funny, your food taste… The list goes on and on. Each unique and individual, some heavy and some light, yet all connected to each other and deserving of respect. The inside of your house is your beautiful inner world.

For each room, there is a door and you must have a key to enter. There is a strange assumption that the people in your life get a master key to every room. They either get all access or no access. But, there are as many different keys as there are rooms. Similar to the story above, the people that you give them to have to be safe enough to enter and for you to trust that they will enter with respect, trust, and love. For example, if you are in a closed-monogamous relationship, there might be a room that only your partner can access and one key. Another example is around coming out to friends and family. On one hand, there is a pressure that there is one moment, a before and after, maybe no one had a key, it was just a dark place in the back of the house, and then in a moment, you give an all access pass/key to everyone and decided that this room would be for everyone. This is a great choice for some, but not for everyone. Giving a key to a parent might mean that they lose connection or another part of them. It might risk physical safety and run the risk of the entire house being damaged or destroyed. You ultimately get to decide who is safe enough to enter.

Your keys can be given, taken, or exchanged and will be throughout each season of life. Each person that is allowed access into the room is getting an honest look into this part of who you are, regardless, if they get access to all the other parts. You are remaining authentic in each and every room with every person you allow. It is possible that someone who once had access to several rooms, now only has access to the sitting room. While this is still inside your inner world, they have shown that they are not safe enough to enter the other sacred spaces. This is okay. It is possible to remain honest and authentic in each different part of your self while remaining protective of the other parts. Each part of you is a delight and it is to be shared with people that you are willing to take a risk in trusting.

Questions to ponder:

Who has access to your house? What keys need to be given, taken, or exchanged?

How do you know someone is safe enough to enter?

Which rooms are private and just for you?

Which rooms have you kept hidden but perhaps you are willing to give someone a tour?